Tuesday, January 13, 2009

welcome to the new me

hello. welcome to my blog. this blog is going to be a bit more personal than my myspace and Xanga blogs ever were. if you can read without judgement, be my guest. i will not tolerate negativity here.

i've been on a blogging hiatus. i haven't even thought about blogging in quite some time. when i lived in the valley, it was a regular thing. there was so much going on that i had a million things to say every day. and it all seemed so interesting. now that i'm back home. things have slowed down. life away from home was so fast paced. everything seemed so urgent. every day i hit the ground running and didn't stop till i passed out. i'm enjoying this however. i get to savor each day. everything seems better. everything feels better. i'm happier than i've been in years. things don't seem so fake.

i think that is what it was about life out there. everything was superficial. artificial. i didn't feel connected. some form of coping mechanism, i suppose. cause in retrospect. i was in so much pain. physically and emotionally. and everyday, i got to put on a facade. a different me. what i thought was a better me that was always trying to keep up with the me from the day before. sometimes, i couldn't keep up. and i'd get so overwhelmed that i couldn't breathe. and even when i was breathing. it didnt help me from feeling suffocated.

when i look back on my youth 30 years from now, i'm sure i'll recognize those fast times as bad times. cause i'm already starting to now. fast times = hard times. definately. and for two years, EVERY time i smiled, it was forced. everytime i feigned happiness, inside i was crying. for two years. no matter how bad i felt, i couldn't cry. i wanted to cry! i wanted to release some of those feelings that were pressing down on me, making it so i couldn't breathe. and i couldn't. it was like... i'd held it in so long, i had forgotten how to cry.

1999. i think that was when it started. the reason why i let this happen.

2006-2007. that is when it all played out.

i was mistreated. forgotten. abused. used. hurt. ridiculed. trampled over. blamed. i kept coming back for more. i did things that i still can't believe. things i haven't even told my best friend about. i disgusted myself.

i used to feel sorry for myself.

but that is dumb.

now that i am home. things feel more rational. my life is more in check. it's still hard for me to let go. cause there is still a lot of pain. i find myself trying to fake my feelings less often. i'm becoming whole again.

this new blog represents the new me. it represents the changes i want to see in myself and that i want to make in the lives of people around me.


1 replies:

Bsquared86 said...

I will definitely be visiting your piece of the blog world regularly!