faith...

i haven't blogged in over a year... feels weird. i don't even know where to begin. so much has happened in the last year. my life is upside down. or is it now right side up? have you have let yourself fall head first into a swimming pool with your eyes closed and just let yourself fall. its the weirdest feeling. you get all disoriented and you cant tell which way is up. its kind of freeing just letting yourself go, not knowing whats going to happen... but then there is always that moment of sheer panic where you didn't think you are going to make it to the surface in time... that's how i had been feeling. like I was letting myself fall into all of my responsibilities and fears not knowing how things are going to work out... sometimes i was so wrought with anxiety that i was crippled. it made me do and say things that i wouldn't normally do. but i have Faith. and that Faith keeps the anxiety at bay... just knowing that God has a plan for me is all the reassurance i need. its hard to explain... its just something i feel. I never really blogged about my faith... because honestly... i never really knew where i stood... there was a moment of clarity for me a few months ago... i almost lost a dear friend of mine. I was so afraid and the only place i knew to turn was to God. I spent an entire night praying asking Him to heal my friend. As scared and sad as I was the whole time my friend was in the hospital... I never really cried. And if you know me... u know I'm a cryer... I felt overcome with emotion... but more crippled than anything else. So, after an entire night of praying... asking for a sign or hope or strength or anything... I slept for a couple hours and i woke up and put on a TIVO'd episode of Joel Osteen- a preacher from Texas... The first thing he said was... "God wants you to know that everything you want in 2011 will come to you... you just have to put God first" Instantly I felt the world lift off of my shoulders and i just started crying and crying. With just those words...I knew that God was speaking to me... and I knew that from that moment on... I had to live my life the way God wants me to. God performed a miracle for my friend. Seriously. And its because he, and many people around him have God on their side. I needed a sign... and i got it. Who else is ready to put God first?